My New Year’s Resolution for 2011? Get my mojo back.
So I have two choices: 1) Go to Jamaica and sleep with Taye Diggs or 2) you know, find my mojo somewhere else. Since my aging skin should really stay out of the sun (not to mention I’m pretty sure my lovely husband would not approve), I’m taking number one off the table. And the truth is the kind of mojo I’ve lost wouldn’t be restored with a little hanky panky with Taye Diggs. I’m not talking about sex appeal at all. This past year, and maybe this is something all new moms experience, I’ve lost a bit of my life swagger—that surge of energy when you think watch out world, here I come, or better yet, that quiet confidence of just being grateful that you get to wake up everyday and be you.
I’m not sure how it happened, but I find lately that I’m less sure of myself, that I’m a little too passive, a little insecure, self-conscious. That I can’t just buy a sweater and pull off the price tag. Instead, I bring it home, try it on for my husband and ask, “Do I look okay?” And when he says yes, I can’t help but say, “Are you sure?” And this extends far beyond silly things like sweaters. These days, when I write a sentence, a kick-ass sentence, I don’t sit back and give myself an internal high-five and wait until tomorrow to edit; instead, now I immediately second guess, pick holes, convince myself that it is far from awesome sauce. When it comes to Elili, I tend to question my own instincts, ask the silly question—“Am I good mom?”—way more often than is necessary.
See? No self-confidence.
So my New Year’s Resolution for 2011 is to get my mojo back. To recognize all of my blessings, and instead of feeling sapped, feel empowered by them. To quit all this second guessing nonsense. To spend a little bit more time on me—whether this means keeping up my goal of running regularly (which I’ll confess I haven’t been doing), getting my eyebrows waxed long before it gets to the point that I have hair in my eyes, or simply taking a night off once in a while to soak in a bathtub with a good book. To shed the silly guilt that seems to be a part and parcel of motherhood in our culture. To realize that this new book I’m writing might actually turn into something I’m proud of. To wake up each morning and recognize that it’s pretty damn good to be me.
Yup, you better watch out 2011. Because I’m reclaiming my swagger. My mojo. Nope, I don’t need to go to Jamaica and make whoopee with Taye Diggs. I just need to find my inner cool, my inner Taye Diggs, if you will.
So that’s my New Year’s Resolution, folks. Find my mojo.
Wait? What? Okay. Fine.
I also resolve to stop using words like whoopee.